There are times when I’m a strong woman, independent and fierce and in control of my world.
And then there are times when I’m a scared little girl, vulnerable and unsure and silenced by my sense of self-doubt.
It’s part of the paradox that is inherently me. Kind of like the way I adore super cute shoes but hate wearing gloves when I garden because it deprives me the feeling of dirt on my hands. (Which I’ve recently discovered is actually really good for your sleep. The dirt on your hands, not the super cute shoes.)
As transparent as I am in this blog and as many books as I have published, I’m sure it surprises some to know there are times when I stand tongue-tied, completely unable to verbalize the thoughts bouncing around my brain or the feelings swirling through me like a torrent.
An ex-boyfriend once told me that it’s incredibly frustrating that someone as articulate as me is, at times, unable to coherently express what I’m feeling, what I need, or what I want.
Here's the thing, I'm a passionate woman. While that's fun to watch from afar via a Facebook feed or something, it's not everyone's cup of tea up close. I’ve found that what’s inside of me is something best doled out in doses, usually through a dozen books or so, lest it be too much.
And that is the fear that stays my tongue: I am too much. I smile too big, talk too much, feel too deeply, think too hard, am bruised too easily… and don’t even get me started on the days when I fear that I am not enough.
There’s so much going on in my world right now. Some terrifying, some heartbreaking, some thrilling. But it’s all roiling inside of me, like a flood waters threatening to breach a levy. This week, I found myself standing frozen in the face of it, afraid that I am yet again too much and not enough at the same time.
My middle sister, Karen, and I have been known to butt heads from time to time. I suppose that's what happens when two people have personalities as strong as ours. But she’s also the person who gets it when others don’t. Maybe that’s the thing about sisters; you share the same brand of crazy.
A few months ago, I was going through a rough patch with the aforementioned ex. He said those words to me because I was utterly unable to verbalize what was going on in my head. Or rather, I did speak for myself but the instant he challenged it or ignored it, I let him. I froze in my uncertainty. Was I being too much again?
(In the spirit of full disclosure, there are times it’s less uncertainty and more weariness. One of my favorite lines comes from Carsie Blanton’s song Backbone: Honey, I’ve already conquered all I can. I just wanna be a woman. All you gotta be is a man.)
I’m a woman who prides herself in being independent and strong and still sometimes I am so small and broken. When we were having this fight, Karen shared the song Brave by Sara Bareilles with me. It’s since become my anthem whenever I find myself allowing people to treat me in a way that isn’t okay, whether it’s a boyfriend, my own kid, a colleague, or even a parent.
Something else I’ve learned—sometimes we can love a person fiercely and accept them as they are but also know that the way they treat us isn’t okay. If they can’t or won’t change that, it’s okay to walk away from them before they destroy you. It doesn’t make either of you bad people. Sometimes, that’s the bravest thing you can do.
Rolling hills that had been vibrant green just weeks ago were now muted in tone, as if they were taking a deep breath before bursting into the song of fall.